A Mathematical Romance Story

This is what Mathematicians would write if they wrote romance novels
Polynomials

Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of direction, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and she plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.


She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As he numerically analyzed her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, and a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.


Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly approaching her with his power series expanding. She could see by his degenerate conic that he was up to no good.


"What a symmetric little polynomial you are," he said. "I can see that your angles have lots of secs."

"Oh sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear", said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"I, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

"I suppose you've never been operated on?"

"Of course not," Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's go off to a decimal place, and I'll take you to the limit!"

"Never!" gasped Polly.

"Abscissa!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the head with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.


There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.


When Polly got home that night her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left little surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of the story is, "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."

THE SENSEI, MARY AND I

This is bound to be interesting…. I joined karate mainly coz of watching Alias and other programs and movies where the chicks can kick butt.. I know it’s the movies but well, I never fought anyone and am not planning to.. neither do I want to become a CIA agent or CID… I just think it is cool to know karate ..forget the self defense storo

Overtime, I influenced my roommates Di and Mary to join karate.. the fourth, she is kichwa ngumu.. rather she fears she will get hurt, so we used to go, and the black belt teacher (sensei) used to come like twice a week. He made a point to know all the chicks by name, coz the rate of dropping out of chicks is high, even academic wise…

The first days, Mary became the fave student.. when we are told to pick partners to praco moves, no matter whom she is with, the sensei will pair the other person with someone else, and take Mary… that sort of thing.. we did not think much about it.. having a favourite student is nothing wrong..

One day, as a matter of casual talk, he complimented her dimples, asked to be invited to supper, and joked around about her being beautiful, no big deal.. but was he getting suggestive? We just had to wait. Unfortunately, we did not see what would have happened next coz she transferred to another university nearby, so were we left like 3 serious chicks in karate.. and predictably, I was next..

It all started with a phone call, telling me to encourage other chicks.. coz I seemed to be the most dedicated one. The next call was more or less the same, but after that, I got an SMS, and funny content fone calls, which I kinda ignored.. the last sms, I can quote it:

“ Dear, asleep? Da truth is u ve bcme my favorite deshi/monte, mak me proud, sawa? U’ve evrthing all u nid is 2 compose urself. I know u will mak it. Sleep tite.”

Now tell me what u make of that? Besides the guy is probably in his early 30s, and he is MARRIED with one CHILD… of course I haven’t added all the suggestive conversations.. but he is creeping me out, and u know what? I’ve lost some of the respect I had for him as a black belt..

RESOLUTIONS THIS SEMESTER

The new semester has begun, and with it, new resolutions which will not be followed, but that is beside the point. They have to be made if only to assure yourself that you are focused…

So, I shall enumerate them as below:

1. Read, read and read more (how this will be implemented is simple: go the library and doze there instead of dozing in the room, and two, borrow big books from the library…doesn’t matter the content, as long as they are big and the word computer appears on its cover..)
2. I shall not sleep with anyone…(and by sleep I guess u all know what I mean)..when am reporting, my mum usually says: “Take care of yourself” meaning “DON’T GET PREGNANT!”
3. I shall lay low this sem, meaning I shall not seek attention, even from a guy I like. I will wait for them to come to me..(if they will ever..)
4. Dieting: I shall make no false attempt to restrain my appetite….this one is a good one.. it’s easy to follow, all I have to do is give in to the urge to eat whenever I feel like.. let me quote DNA: life ni fupi na mi sijifungi
5. Friday nights are party nights and should stay so, therefore I shall make sure I have watched at least one movie every Friday night, gone dancing (there are some free salsa classes around….), and sleep after 2 am…then go to church on Sato and actively participate and doze the times am not participating.

HOW I SPENY MY HOLIDAY

Been a while since I wrote, mostly because am lazy and we were having exams and also because it would cost money coz I had to go to a cyber. The labs were locked during exam time. This sounds like a composition on how u spent ur holiday, remember?

When I used to do French in form 1 and 2, I used to cram those compositions and get 9/10. anyway, am making it sound like I had a long holiday, but actually, it was a weekend long inter-semester break but like any sane student, I extended it by a week.

After finishing exams on Thursday, I hung around and left on Friday to begin my holiday.

Friday 31^st August

Took a pimped up mat to tao with friends, went to my aunt’s office to greet her (more like to get fare….), ate fries and went home where I basically did nothing but eat and watch TV the rest of the day and most of the night.

Saturday 1^st September

Am an SDA but being back from school so soon, I took a holiday from church and slept in…my bros who were yet to open school are not very encouraging church goers either..so the day was mostly spent in the hao…sleeping, eating and movies...isn’t that what a holiday is all about?

Sunday 2^nd September

I helped do the laundry, never mind that most of it happened to be mine. Basically, I should just skip this day, nothing happened.

Monday 3^rd September

Am supposed to report, so with the fees paid, I went to campo, reported and then came back to begin my holiday.

Tuesday 4^th September and Wednesday 5^th September

Basically, when am at home, clubbing is a no no, and I don’t like zururaing in the esto so I just stick and watch movies. I borrow them from a friend of mine who I usually ignore throughout the semester and call her when the semester is almost ending.. they have a video library..

Thursday 6^th September

My mum is graduating kesho from UoN, so like we are expecting relas from upcountry.. They begin arriving around lunch time.. My bros went to school, we have no house help, so I basically cooked and washed dishes till around midnight…food was in plenty, and though at the back of my mind were resolutions for dieting…( am a chick, what do u expect?), I decided to postpone them till after the weekend.

Friday 7^th September

With aunts, uncles, grandparents, and anyone who is a relative and could make it, we went to the graduation square. I was dressed to kill ( Skirt suit..this is a first for me…hair was natural and tied back (blow dry ilikuwa imeisha)..) I was looking so SDA…and so in with the crowd I came with.. si u jua how graduations are?

You all have attended one graduation or another.. so I will spare the details…so after the photo session..(everyone wanted to be photographed with the graduand, with the gown on.., by themselves..), three films were not enough. We went home to more celebrations.. food, nyam chom and drinks ( I shall not specify what kind but everyone’s taste was catered for..)

Saturday 8^th September

Went for ICT conference at Strath to get a cert (that is the truth) so I dozed through most of the speeches but at least I asked a question

Sunday 9^th September

My holiday came to and end as I traveled back to campo in the evening.

p.s.

To all readers: Pretend u are a teacher and grade my report (A, B, C, D or E)

Speaking of grades, am waiting for results of last sem’s exams to be put up, I’ll probably post them if they are good otherwise.. your guess is my guess

p.s.2

And as u can see, there was no crazy fun at home, just good fun, u want crazy fun, have it in campo.